Transmitting Torah:The Student/Rebbe Relationship
Where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge; your people are my people, and your G‑d is my G‑d. When Ruth said these words to her mother-in-law Naomi, she did not specify why she thought the Jewish way of life was right for her. She did not say that it made sense to her, nor did she specify the teachings she admired, neither did she claim that being Jewish gave her inner satisfaction. Her deep connection to Naomi, her desire to emulate Naomi, was the basis for Ruths commitment to Hashem and the Torah.
This is the cornerstone of Chinuch, said Dr. Jerry Lob at the Conference of Mechanchim hosted by the Chinuch Office in Newark, New Jersey, Menachem Av 5762. In Chinuch the context is more important than the content. When it comes to teaching Torah, the essence is passing the Mesorah from one generation to the next. Students who have a healthy relationship with their rebbe will feel: if it works for you, it will work for me, if it gives you simcha, it will give me simcha, where you go, I go, teach me and I will learn.
Dr. Lob asked his audience to recall the best rebbe they ever had and recall the things that make that rebbe stand out in their memory. I remember how one particular rebbe smiled when I answered a tough question, related Lob. I do not remember what the question was or what the answer was, but I will never forget that smile.1
Dr. Lob addressed four areas, which form a basis for a successful student/Rebbe relationship in a classroom setting: a safe environment, warmth, realistic expectations and Simcha.
The following article is based on the two of the three sessions that Dr. Lob presented at the conference. Quotes are Dr. Lobs. Throughout the article, the masculine gender is used, because the session was presented to men. However, the lessons apply equally to women.
A SAFE ENVIRONMENT
The classroom must be a safe place. The school, the hallways, the lunchroom and the playground must all feel non-threatening, in order for children to blossom and grow.
There are many factors that render the school environment a scary place for children. The classroom holds the potential for academic competition, comparison between classmates. Rebbes have the power to be condescending and hurtful. The playground is a place where the bigger, stronger more agile boys get to show how they are better. The playground and the lunchroom are settings for students to bully one another. All these prevent a sense of safety in the heart of a child.
Safe in the Classroom
Circumstances arise when a rebbe feels anger. Even then, the rebbe who internalizes the teachings of Torah will not embarrass a child and not show anger in an inappropriate manner.
Anger management has been taught by many different Rabbis and Sages in many different books. Any common sense approach is good. It is good to keep in mind that how an adult acts in anger is how he is teaching the children to act in anger.
I once had a rebbe who lowered his voice when he got really angry. His voice would get louder if he was aggravated, but if his voice got low, you were in serious trouble.
Often when we get angry, it is our ego that is getting in the way or possibly an external factor. Is the real reason for the anger because we did not sleep well all week? Is that the fault of the child? We are human and bound to make mistakes, but we must keep in mind that it is not just what we teach, but how we relate. Analyze your anger to check if it is valid and consistent with how you deal with your students.
It happened when I was teacher, that I was trying to explain a difficult piece in the Gemara and one of my more challenging students kept interrupting the flow of my lesson with questions. The questions started out on track but then got further and further from the point I was trying to explain. I finally lost it and yelled at him. I still remember the look on his face. I consoled myself by reasoning that he deserved what he got. He became quiet and I knew he was hurt. After a few minutes of undisturbed teaching I closed my book and said to the class. What he did was wrong. But what I did was more wrong. Then I called the boy by name and apologized. And we went ahead with the lesson.
Years later that boy told me, that was the only time someone apologized to him. And he thanked me.
Will it always work that way? No. But it does happen that occasionally we do cross the line. There is power in saying Im sorry. It goes without saying that to get angry and apologize repeatedly shows insincerity, which children pick up on immediately.
Safe in the Playground
There is a widespread phenomena of boys and girls who live in dread of going to Yeshiva in the morning, for fear of being the victim of a bully who snickers, makes comments and pushes other students around.
Being a psychologist, Dr. Lob is fully aware of the psychological implications of being a bully and of being a victim. But the starting point, he says, is zero tolerance. From there you can deal with what the bully is really feeling inside and what causes the victim, if he is not just a passive victim, to direct this kind of abuse towards himself.
A Yeshiva has to treat bullying as they treat food that is not kosher. Policy: it does not come into the building. Bullying should not be considered part of growing up or boys will be boys.
Some Yeshivas are incorporating into their elementary Torah curriculum, classes on anger management, conflict resolution and how to deal with a bully. In the older classes they hold discussions on what it means to hurt someone, how it feels to be hurt and what it feels like to be made fun of.
One effective method to curtail bullying is for the victim to ignore the bully. This may be difficult and have to go on for weeks, but it will stop the bully from attacking this particular victim. Obviously the school still has to protect other children if the bully sets his sights elsewhere.
There will be times when a teacher will feel like saying If you werent so annoying, they wouldnt make fun of you. But you cannot say that. Never blame the victim publicly. Even privately you approach the matter by asking him if he can think of a reason why the others like to pick on him instead of someone else.
A teacher may not be able to actually help the victim overcome what is making him the victim, but the teacher can and must, protect him.
WARMTH
Start the day with a smile. Greet your students by name. Will it mean the kids will behave for the rest of the day? Not necessarily, but it will create a feeling of warmth, the second element in the formula for successfully connecting with the students in order to pass on to them the teachings of Torah.
A rebbe who is cold does not give the impression of being too busy, he gives a message of not liking the students.
As busy as rebbes are with their own family and community responsibilities, it is always beneficial if the rebbe can find the time, even a few times a year, to have some one-on-one time with each of his students, and a little more with the students who need extra care. In the Chabad Cheder in Chicago, the rebbes cover for each other at mealtime so that on a rotating basis, each rebbe can eat lunch privately with one of his students. If each rebbes turn comes every few days, he is able to have a one-on-one with each of his students a few times a year.
The first Rashi in Chumash Vayikra states that when Hashem called to Moshe, he did it with affection. Moshe was the student and Hashem the teacher. From this we can learn that the way to address our students is with affection.
There are times when students have to be reprimanded. Every time a rebbe disapproves, it hurts, but if the context is a warm one, the disapproval will be productive. Just as surgery done in a sterile environment strengthens a person, so does criticism, in a warm environment by a rebbe who cares.
Warmth is generated in many non-verbal ways, such as stance, tone of voice and eye contact. When disciplining a student, the non-verbal communication should be one of warmth, not of rejection.
In our generation, students have to deal with depression and other emotional and psychological problems. Often a boys relationship with his father is strained and the child is looking elsewhere for a role model. If the rebbe does it right, the child will turn to him to emulate, instead of outside heroes. The connection that is made between student and teacher can make a difference for a lifetime.
REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
The typical classroom has kids of all capabilities. It takes a creative, master teacher to accommodate each child so he will grow. Even if we cant be 100 percent successful with all our students, we can at least keep them in mind. We cannot say, I will teach to 75 percent of the class, the bright ones will be bored and the slower ones will fall behind.
Within the first few weeks of school, a rebbe will be able to tell which students are responding to his style and which are not. Dont write off the students who are behind, think& is there a way to get them interested, to include them.
Situations change and often kids who have done poorly in the past can wake up and do better in the present.
There is a basic human need to be good at something. At my office I speak to a lot of teenagers who are choosing other lifestyles. They amaze me by the Chesed they show for one another. In their private brotherhood they have found an area in which they can shine.
In Chabad yeshivas there is a variety of subjects, which is advantageous for boys who are not ready for the abstract thinking involved in learning Gemara Liyun.
The goal is to get every student to shine. If he has some area of academics that he is good at, he will feel good about himself. The rebbe has to help his students find the subject they can do best and then encourage them. In general, allow the student to progress at his level. Set realistic expectations in areas where he can shine& let him shine. Teach a child according to his Derech.
Sports is an important element of school. It gives children another area to be successful in and it is a good stress reducer. Children who have a talent for artwork can decorate the classroom with their drawings of the Chumash, or even the Gemara, that the class is learning.
A rebbe can make a student feel good, not just by a pat on the back, but by believing in him and bringing the best out in him. This can solidify a connection, a solid kesher.
SIMCHA
I was once at a Chassuna and saw the friends of the Chosens brother, seventh grade boys, doing an interesting Simcha dance. I was told that these boys are in the year when they are making Bar Mitzvahs and their rebbe takes one hour a week to teach them dancing. What a wonderful way to bring Simcha into the classroom.
Something like Simcha dancing cannot be taught in the classroom every day, but it provides an event of Simcha that the students can look forward to, and that alone brings Simcha into the classroom.
Chabad does very well with Simcha, with niggunim and fabrengens. In Chicago the Chabad Mesivta has Seder Niggunim every Shabbos and the boys sing together for half an hour. Not every boy will like it, but most of them will react positively. And it provides another venue for boys to shine.
Many teenagers tell me, I know my parents and rebbes are frum, but I do not see that it makes them happy. Yes, life is hard, but there must be Simcha. In Chinuch there needs to be Simcha.
Its a hard world. One of the lessons for life that we need to give our students is to grab Simcha when you can. On Shabbos, dont worry about Sunday. Enjoy your Shabbos. Show your students the Emunah that Hashem will take care of tomorrow. If there is a Simcha today, lets enjoy it.
The Simcha does not have to be a major event. There is a class that breaks into song every day when they finish the lessons for the day. They share the Simcha of a job well done.
A good fabrengen can make the student want to be like the rebbe. A Kesher is made, and Kesher is what makes the Mesora continue.
1 This topic is expounded upon in an article by Mrs. Shaindel Teichtel in Pathways,
Volume 1, No. 1.